Emergency Room

***

My poor little baby has a rash. A nasty, spotty, on his face kind of rash. Yuck.


He's never really had a rash before so I kind of over-reacted when it first came up. It was a Sunday and there were no doctors open, so I took him to the emergency room at the hospital. The checked him out and said that there is absolutely nothing wrong with him. He might be teething or have a cold or something like that. But nothing seriously wrong. Phew. The doctor was really nice about it though, he gave me a few tips on when to worry about a rash and got me to feel some glands behinds Max's ears because they were a bit swollen. A nice change from Dr Horrible!

{This gorgeous little girl and her Mumma made the hour and half wait fun, more on her soon I promise!}

Anyway, today his rash was worse and he has a temperature as well. We saw a nurse today (whilst the above baby was having a check up) and she also said that nothing is wrong with him. The common thing everyone we see says is that because he is so upbeat and smiley that obviously there is nothing wrong with him...

I don't think that is a good indication though. While I was absent from the blog Max got a bad case of tonsillitis and had a temp of 39.9 degrees Celsius. I waited 2 days before taking him to the doctor because he was so happy and normal that I figured nothing was seriously wrong. I felt so bad when I found out how sick he was.



I guess I will just wait and see again though. If he still has the rash and a temperature tomorrow I might take him to the doctor for a third opinion.

6 Weeks

No, not 6 weeks pregnant (just in case anyone else's mind always jumps straight to pregnancy, mine always does!!). It's been 6 weeks since I last blogged.

It wasn't intentional and it wasn't necessarily because of my last post either. (Thank you all for your sweet words though, each of you made me feel better and brought a smile to my face.) I have been having a hard time of it though. I didn't think putting Max into care would feel any different than leaving him at home with the Big Man each day... I was definitely wrong about that.

It's not that they don't take good care of him, it's just that I miss him like crazy. Max is at such a beautiful age, he wants me close by all the time.

He sits on the floor with his arms up in the air saying 'Mumma' when he wants to be picked up. He laughs and smiles when I do pick him up. He sobs when I don't. He loves to sit outside in the grass and help me garden. He loves it when I read to him. The smiles he gives me when I go into his room first thing in the morning are the most beautiful things I have ever seen in my life. My baby loves me and wants me.

He's only going to be a baby once and I really feel like I need to make the most of it. So I have cut back my work from four days down to 2 per week and I've done the same with his daycare. Tuesdays and Wednesdays we spend apart and every other day we get to spend together. Happy Mumma and happy baby!!

How Dare She

I just had the most horrible experience I have ever had with a doctor today. It was horrific.

I am still sick (nausea, vomiting and diarrhea) and thought that seeing as it has been five days I should probably go and make sure that everything was ok.

Whilst the doctor was asking questions it came up that I have a baby. Here's what unfolded...

Dr Horrible: How old is your baby?

Me: (obviously proud of the fact that I am a Mumma) He's 9 months old

Dr Horrible: Well, where is he?

Me: At daycare. Actually today is his first day!

Dr Horrible: At daycare!?

Me: Yep

Dr Horrible: Does he go there all day.

Me: Some days he will be.

Dr Horrible: In a daycare centre, all day?!

Me: Uh-huh, some days.

Dr Horrible: Don't you know that they rarely ever hold babies in daycare centres?

Me: Ummm

Dr Horrible: Babies need to be held. He is not going to feel loved. You baby needs to feel loved.

Me: (holding back the tears) Well, you see I have a job. I need to work. To pay bills and stuff.

Dr Horrible: And your baby needs to feel loved. He needs to be at home. With you.

I managed to hold back the tears until I got to reception, but then I started bawling to the girls and the front desk. They were really nice and sympathetic, but didn't seem overly surprised. I guess I'm not the first person that has felt judged by her.

I was (and still am) really upset when I got out to the car. I called the Big Man and ended up crying so hard that I threw up in the car.

I just feel so angry and so guilty. Angry that she felt the need to judge me, but guilty because part of me thinks that maybe she is right. I should be at home with Max giving him all the love and attention that he deserves.

Surely Not

This morning as I was eating my breakfast I felt a little flutter in my belly and then another little flutter and then another 6 or 7 seconds worth of flutters.

Cue Freakout...

It felt just like the early days of feeling Max move. I've counted back though and for me to be pregnant {which is incredibly unlikely} I could only be 10 weeks at the most. Far to early to feel a baby moving.

I'm sure it was just gas... Gas feels just like a baby moving, right? Right?

In my mind I am completely sure it was just gas {but I'm still freaking out a little bit}.

Baby Monitor

***

Before Max was born my sister lent me all of her baby things. One of the things we've found most valuable is the AngelCare baby monitor. We have it on whenever Max is asleep. It has a few different features and one of the main ones is the breathing sensor. If the baby stops breathing the alarm goes off and you also have the option to turn the ticker on so that every time the baby breaths you hear a tic. You can hear it in the video below {you may need to turn the volume right up}.



Friends have commented that it must be really annoying, but I actually find the noise really comforting. You kind of stop noticing it after awhile, but it's nice to be able to hear it when you want to.

For the last four months we have had the ticker turned on. I know it doesn't need to be on, the alarm still goes off if you don't use the ticker, but like I said I find it reassuring.

The other night we made the big {and scary... well for me anyway!} decision to stop using it. We still have the sensor on each time he sleeps, the only difference is that now we only hear noise if he cries or if the alarm was to go off.

It's nice to have a little bit less noise in the house, but it is taking a bit of getting used to. I find that I go in and check on him a lot more often now.

I know I probably sound like one of those paranoid Mum's that everyone hates, but I figure we have access to the technology, why not make the most of it...

Not Yet Sinking

I've been holding together really well since Max was born. I've had a few moments where I've shut myself in my room and cried, but I'm sure every new Mum has times like those.

It was easier to keep it together while I had my Mum and Sister staying with me. Last night it all fell apart though. I think it was four weeks worth of pretending that I feel great (and sometimes I do), that lead to my monumental breakdown last night.

It's not that I'm not happy, I'm incredibly happy. It's not that I don't love being a Mum, I think it's the greatest thing in the entire world. It's not that I don't have any support, I have an amazing Husband, endless support from my family and the Big Man's and beautiful friends. It's the fear that's getting to me. I don't worry constantly, but when I do it get's out of control really quickly.

Yesterday we were supposed to drive up to Hervey Bay. We packed our bags, loaded up the car and strapped Max into his seat. I was about to get in the car myself when I realised that if we got into an accident and rolled the car, that any object loose in the car could hit Max in the head and hurt him. This lead to a stand-off between the Big Man, it started out with me wanting him to repack the car and ended up (over an hour later) with me curled up around Max in the bedroom refusing to let the Big Man come anywhere near him.

The rational part of me kept thinking 'this is stupid, just get in the car', but I couldn't get past the fact that if we drove anywhere Max could get hurt. I was hysterical, ridiculously irrational and it took hours for the Big Man to calm me down enough so that we could have a conversation.

I feel better today, but I'm still a little bit teary and keep crying for no reason.

I guess I just need to work out if is my anxiety coming back and making me feel like this or if all Mums feel like this and it's competely normal...

T xx