Not Yet Sinking

I've been holding together really well since Max was born. I've had a few moments where I've shut myself in my room and cried, but I'm sure every new Mum has times like those.

It was easier to keep it together while I had my Mum and Sister staying with me. Last night it all fell apart though. I think it was four weeks worth of pretending that I feel great (and sometimes I do), that lead to my monumental breakdown last night.

It's not that I'm not happy, I'm incredibly happy. It's not that I don't love being a Mum, I think it's the greatest thing in the entire world. It's not that I don't have any support, I have an amazing Husband, endless support from my family and the Big Man's and beautiful friends. It's the fear that's getting to me. I don't worry constantly, but when I do it get's out of control really quickly.

Yesterday we were supposed to drive up to Hervey Bay. We packed our bags, loaded up the car and strapped Max into his seat. I was about to get in the car myself when I realised that if we got into an accident and rolled the car, that any object loose in the car could hit Max in the head and hurt him. This lead to a stand-off between the Big Man, it started out with me wanting him to repack the car and ended up (over an hour later) with me curled up around Max in the bedroom refusing to let the Big Man come anywhere near him.

The rational part of me kept thinking 'this is stupid, just get in the car', but I couldn't get past the fact that if we drove anywhere Max could get hurt. I was hysterical, ridiculously irrational and it took hours for the Big Man to calm me down enough so that we could have a conversation.

I feel better today, but I'm still a little bit teary and keep crying for no reason.

I guess I just need to work out if is my anxiety coming back and making me feel like this or if all Mums feel like this and it's competely normal...

T xx